A death, and all the emotions that make up grief. People gather for a memorial service. A reception afterwards: time for conversation, a hug.

What does the grieving person hear, over and over? "If you need anything, call me."

Does that ever happen? Does the grieving person ever call? Rarely.

Why is that?

I've said for years that it's because we've been formed by our culture that so much values self-sufficiency and privacy.

As for self-sufficiency: We are formed to think it is a weakness to reach out for help. (One purpose of Christian community is to form us in a value counter to the culture: that we are interdependent; that we need to let others carry us when we are weak, in the same way that we carry others when they are weak.)

As for privacy: Susanna Owens, a member of our congregation and a therapist at the Counseling Center at the College of William and Mary recently told me that she's not sure that is the problem. She thinks it's more a matter of trust. I think she's on to something important. Since we are formed in a culture of competition, we are formed to distrust others. (Another purpose of Christian community is to create a safe place to be vulnerable.)

In any event, it is not enough to say to a grieving person, "If you need anything, call me."

Instead, make the call yourself. There are no magic words to say. A good starter question is, "How are you doing?" And then listen. When a grieving person knows you are a good listener, s/he is encouraged to trust you. If that trust builds, and when you have called every week or so for a lot of weeks, and have then checked in for a lot of months after that, you might find that you've been a part of the grieving person's healing.

(You know all of this, don't you, from your own journeys through grief?)